listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
