peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
