Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
