Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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