The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
