i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
