haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
