Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
