He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
