remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
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trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize