with your own penis?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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