So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
