Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
