my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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