I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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