I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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