i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
