I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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