Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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