guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
