break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
