today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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