an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
