Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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