My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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