In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I didn't notice because vodka
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
