Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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