Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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