Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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