paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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