ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
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We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
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Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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