I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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