I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
