it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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