I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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