I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
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We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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