I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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