When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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