i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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