I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
