Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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