The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
