In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
