You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
false alarm. still invincible.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
