Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
