I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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