things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
