I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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