My liver just broke up with me...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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