I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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