My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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