Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
How naked do you want me to be?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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