i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
