boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
