my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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