Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
